Fools Will Fall
by justira
Summary: Ivan is not an idiot - he just doesn't like getting involved - but some things still take a while to register.


**Title**: Fools Will Fall  
**Fandom**: Vorkosigan Saga  
**Characters/Pairings**: Byerly/Ivan  
**Theme/Challenge**: [lj]1sentence theme set beta  
**Rating/Warnings/Spoilers**: PG13; spoilers through Civil Campaign; INABILITY TO TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY not even the title or punctuation or ANYTHING EVER  
**Words**: 2,500 (on a [lj]1sentence claim, seriously Ira, SERIOUSLY?)  
**Crit/Feedback**: Always welcome!  
**Notes**: I was supposed to be working on some Gregor sentence-things and then I accidentally read some By/Ivan fic and accidentally went back to the sentence comm to look at the prompts and was totally coincidentally struck by how awesome this theme set is and how (in)appropriate it is for these two and god guys I'm so not sorry.

**Summary**: Ivan is not an idiot (he just doesn't like getting _involved_) but some things still take a while to register.

* * *

**Fools Will Fall**

01 Walking  
Ivan walks through the doors of Vorrutyer House; a warm wash of light and sound envelops him as he steps out of the night.

02 Waltz  
His left arm feels conspicuously empty: any girl who, upon hearing that he was attending a friend's wedding, got that _gleam_ in her eye that made him think of his mother was summarily struck off the List of Possible Dates, except then he got to the end of his list (when _had_ all those lovely young things gotten so... _goal-oriented_?), and now he's nursing his... sixth or seventh glass, and watching Dono open the dancing with Olivia — and fending off knowing smirks from By.

03 Wishes  
That memorable — and he wishes he could forget it, sometimes — occasion with Mark aside (and he had a _very good excuse_ then, Miles had gone and _died_) Ivan is not normally given to the depressive-pensive variety of drunk Miles is prone to, but still, as he watches Dono and Olivia dance, he wishes he didn't feel so — _thirty_.

04 Wonder  
And he wishes he could stop thinking about the fabulous breasts Donna used to have and eying Dono's flat, broad chest, because it's making some part of his back-brain worried.

05 Worry  
Very worried.

06 Whimsy  
Right on cue, Byerly appears at his left elbow and simpers, "What a beautiful wedding, such a _lovely_ couple — Dono did tell me once that his previous weddings were a little on the dull side, and he'd appreciate something a little more... interesting at his next," to which Ivan replies with a grumble and healthy sip of his drink.

07 Waste/Wasteland  
"You know Ivan, you keep lamenting that it's 'such a waste' but I haven't seen you stop looking—" and here the eyebrow is raised strategically to underscore: "Perhaps Dono is not entirely wasted on you?"

08 Whiskey and rum  
Ivan is not _nearly_ drunk enough to deal with By — or with Dono, or with _Miles_, God the _rat_ went and got himself _married_ — so he ignores By's question and knocks his drink back in one shot.

09 War  
It is only in hindsight that Ivan will realize that had been a declaration of war.

10 Weddings  
He is really, _really_ beginning to hate weddings.

11 Birthday  
And birthdays, he is starting to hate birthdays, too, and he can't even remember why he invited Byerly to his— maybe because all the other guests were depressingly paired off, or because By is a sarcastic bastard but at least will talk about something other than babies and politics and _more weddings_ — or maybe because Ivan got really, really drunk at Dono and Olivia's wedding and somehow got the impression that By was _fun_, and by God he is _never_ getting that drunk again.

12 Blessing  
Except now— now is an excellent time to get that drunk, because the party is breaking up and the crawling races are over and Eugene from Ops puked in his fake plant and Byerly is making himself conspicuous by lingering.

13 Bias  
The last guests are leaving, and Byerly isn't, and call him judgmental, but Ivan does not trust By's motives — but the invisibility trick doesn't work nearly as well in his own apartment, so he pointedly starts clearing away the liquor bottles (never mind that he has a cleaning service; he primly tells himself they won't be coming for two days).

14 Burning  
The alcohol is making his chest burn, and it has nothing to do with Byerly sidling up beside him and leaning to whisper in his ear.

15 Breathing  
By's breath on his neck makes him shy sideways, like one of Miles's stupid massive _beasts_, and it takes him a second to register that Byerly just said, "You don't look like anyone's given you a proper birthday greeting yet."

16 Breaking  
Ivan blinks (blearily, rapidly), because he thinks his brain just _broke_.

17 Belief  
"Happy Birthday," By says, and shakes his hand all proper, as if he wasn't just whispering obscenely in Ivan's ear, and he had _not_ imagined that part.

18 Balloon  
Ivan is suddenly painfully aware of the bubble of privacy that surrounds them: they are alone in his apartment, and this is his cue to panic (he does not care to inspect exactly _why_ he is panicking, thank you).

19 Balcony  
But of course Byerly foils— something, everything, and leaves, shutting the door with polite quiet (how does he manage to make _that_ an ironically flamboyant gesture?), so Ivan retreats to the lawn chair on his balcony (carefully stowed away when female company is imminent) and stares up at the sky, refusing to think about anything— because if he stops to think he will get that sick dizzy feeling like right before Miles ropes him into some _scheme_ and he can see it coming and can't do a thing to stop it.

20 Bane  
Byerly is quickly becoming the bane of his existence, and if he never sees the smarmy devil after this ridiculous birthday party it will be too soon.

21 Quiet  
Which is of course why he somehow ends up staggering home from a bar on By's shoulder two weeks later, lamenting about Donna's magnificent breasts and: "Ivan, shut _up_," and oh no, no, this is _not_ happening — but that is indeed Byerly Vorrutyer's tongue in his mouth.

22 Quirks  
Oh God, oh God, he's thinking of the obscenely, deliciously assertive way Donna would kiss him and _that cannot be a good sign_.

23 Question  
A corner of his mind wails: "Why does this always happen to _me_?"

24 Quarrel  
It occurs to him (entirely belatedly, and he is _not touching_ that part) that he has not yet punched Byerly in the face.

25 Quitting  
So he does.

26 Jump  
When Byerly hasn't attempted to break down his door knocking and trying to weasel his way into dinner or drinks or _God knows what else is on his mind_ — and Ivan thinks he knows _exactly_ what is on By's mind now, he sure catches on quick, and he is not having that — but when By hasn't come by trying to _do things_ together with Ivan in almost two weeks Ivan begins to imagine his stupid covert ass in some stupid covert mess or, worse, stuck in the bowels of ImpSec for God knows what reasons and Ivan doggedly tells himself he is not jumping to _any conclusions whatsoever_ and firmly pours himself more coffee.

27 Jester  
When he finally caves and leaves a terse message on By's comconsole, and the subsequent return call (no trace of the black eye, the bastard!) is all By's lips unfurling into a slow smile — yeah, that is when Ivan realizes the joke's on him.

28 Jousting  
Ivan is going to hang up on him, except: "How about some drinks Friday night?" and Ivan's hand is still on the button, he is safe, so he bothers to answer "No," but Byerly _won't stop talking_ ("No?" — "Yes" — "So, Friday?" — "NO!") and it is useless in any case, because Byerly shows up on his doorstep anyway.

29 Jewel  
They have a staring contest over the vid — amazing that By can keep that up without being able to see, and of course he knows where the concealed pickup is, those covert types all think they're _so_ clever, God, why can't he just go bother _Miles_ (and this is where Ivan's brain jumps the tracks and runs howling into the night) except then Byerly leans close and whispers: "Hey Ivan, why are you still watching me?" and Ivan's hand jerks to cut the pickups; Byerly's sly smile dissolves into a crackle of jeweled sparks and Ivan can start breathing again.

30 Just  
The world is _unfair_ to _innocent bystanders_.

31 Smirk  
He sees By from across the room at Mark's engagement, and God, he wants to wipe it off By's face — with his fist.

32 Sorrow  
Ivan takes his quiet mourning for all the Koudelka sisters outside, because he is tired of watching Mark trying to not look like a fat cornered rabbit and Kareen actually succeeding in looking fiercely happy, and he's wandering through Miles's garden with his filched bottle of fine Vorkosigan brandy when By's hands — and he knows, somehow, those are By's hands, and some part of him is still howling that an assassin's would be _much_, much better — slide up his chest from behind, and Byerly's breath is on his nape and he nearly drops the bottle.

33 Stupidity  
Part of his brain (probably the part that is in charge of remembering his training; he is not sure why else he has not yet planted his elbow in Byerly's liver— or balls) is gibbering that he should have stayed inside where it was _safe_ — and then his knees stop cooperating with him because Byerly is crooning questions in his ear.

34 Serenade  
Like: "So why are you out here all alone, Ivan?" (God, he really should have stayed inside) and "You don't even like Mark, so why did you come to his party?" and Ivan grabs hold of the questions, because it's better than thinking about what By's hands are doing and— "Wait a minute, what are _you_ doing here, By?"

35 Sarcasm  
"Besides turning your knees to water?" By purrs, and Ivan ignores that part and tries again: "Um, who let you in?" because Vorkosigan House security is _very important_ and his voice did not squeak _in the slightest_.

36 Sordid  
Byerly is clearly ignoring him and Ivan decides too late that he should be returning the favour because: "You know, your Uncle Aral was rather known for—" and Ivan _wails_: "Things I _don't need to know_, By!"

37 Soliloquy  
"Oh, would you rather not think about that sort of thing right— now—" and By makes it sound obscene ("_sound_ obscene?" some corner of his brain asks him) because he's sliding his hands under Ivan's shirt, and Ivan is valiantly _ignoring everything_ and focusing on the _vital issue_ of _Vorkosigan House security_, mouthing off the checklist of possible infiltration points to himself, except there are no dead guards discovered, no security is descending on them, it is just him talking to himself about force screens with By's hands up his shirt.

38 Sojourn  
_With By's hands up his shirt_ finally registers and he jumps away like a scalded cat, and By puts his hands up and has the gall to look _non-threatening_ and shrugs, and says: "I told Miles I needed to talk to you, so, sadly, I can't stay long."

39 Share  
"Of course," Ivan hisses, _it's all Miles's fault_, all the past weeks' troubles becomes clear! — so he brandishes the brandy bottle at By: "You are plotting against me with my crazy cousin!" but Byerly sighs dramatically: "No—" and alarm bells ring distantly in Ivan's head when By steps closer to continue: "but since you're offering, I _would_ like to try his brandy," and Ivan stupidly clutches the bottle for a moment before By swats it aside and takes Ivan by the collar and kisses him.

40 Solitary  
And then he disappears, and Ivan is left alone in the garden, with his untucked shirt and his brandy bottle and, he suspects, looking— _molested_.

41 Nowhere  
Something is not adding up— _many somethings_, besides the entirely obvious ones, and after several days of getting nowhere with this impossible math — people math is even worse than five-space, Ivan has discovered (a stray saying of Miles's floats by: lives add up as infinities) — he realizes that his choices have narrowed to talking to Miles or talking to Aunt Cordelia (or Uncle Aral, a recently suppressed memory whispers, but he is _not going near_ it, that is _not even an option_), and in a moment of dumb panic, he chooses Miles.

42 Neutral  
He decides, as a stroke of brilliance, to conduct the interview over comconsole, because he knows how Miles can _get_ in person, and he gets off on a good start with: "So, Lord Auditor Coz, could you explain to me why you are conniving with Byerly Vorrutyer?" which is a nice, neutral way to start this conversation— except then Miles does that patented frown-and-"Excuse me?" — entirely Lord Auditor Vor-Coz-igan, that one, no trace of Naismith, some part of him notes distantly, but it really should have been keeping tabs on the rest of him because Ivan suddenly discovers that he is telling Miles that Byerly Vorrutyer has been _molesting_ him in _Miles's garden_ and Miles, _damn him to every hell imaginable_ is _laughing at him_ and Ivan thinks he should have talked to Aunt Cordelia after all.

43 Nuance  
Except then Miles sobers up and looks him in the eye and asks him, "Seriously, Ivan, you know where the library and my parlour are— why did you go outside — _alone_, even — when you saw him?" and Ivan gapes at the screen for a second before hanging up.

44 Near  
Ivan tracks Byerly down at his apartment, and By answers the door with an eyebrow quirk that silently says, "Yes, was there something?" and it makes Ivan want to roll his eyes, so he grabs for By's collar and gets their faces nice and close together so that he can see By's eyes when he starts snarling at him.

45 Natural  
"What part of _I like women_ do you not understand?" is met with "But Ivan, I like women too — delightful creatures — but terrorizing you is _so_ much fun—" and By's eyes go all obscenely half-lidded and Ivan tightens his grip on the shirt because: "besides, you haven't been complaining... nearly enough."

46 Horizon  
He realizes rather abruptly that he is holding By by his ridiculously flamboyant purple shirt collar against the doorframe of By's apartment, neatly straddling the threshold, and suddenly he is very dizzy.

47 Valiant  
Byerly is watching him, hands resting on Ivan's wrists, looking quite unperturbed and deadly serious, and Ivan blurts out: "I'm not— I'm not an _example_, By, I'm not like Miles!"

48 Virtuous  
"Did I ask you to be?" and Ivan remembers: this man is perfectly aware of how dangerous Barrayar is and to hell with it all because Ivan realizes something important: Byerly Vorrutyer is loyal to _people_, not ideas, and on this crazy planet it makes him feel like he suddenly found one sane soul to share his lonely corner of _no heroics unless absolutely necessary_.

49 Victory  
He shuffles himself and By one step sideways out of the gathering night, and the door closes behind them.

50 Defeat  
Ivan leans forward — and part of him is gibbering something unintelligible and terrified, and another part is saying _this isn't over By_ — and at the moment he can't care, and his eyes slide closed as By's mouth slides open against his own.

__

_End._

* * *

**A/N**: I AM SORRY I COULD NOT TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. I am sorry I abused every punctuation mark ever and italics to boot. I AM SORRY FOR WRITING BYERLY/IVAN IN THE FIRST PLACE (except I'm totally not).

Okay. Now that that is out of the way. I had probably too much fun with this, and somehow I ended up trying to write these not only in chrononoligcal-numerical order, but this set had alliterative groupings and somehow those groupings ended up being scenes. So, uh. I tried to make it not only in order, but with each set of words comprising one scene.

Yeah, uh. I have suddenly fallen in love with this pairing and POOR POOR ME because there are like five fics of them on the internet EVER and this is of course my cue to start building huge plotty fic for them in my head =(

In the meantime, I wrote this to have some fun and, uh, let some of that, uh, pressure out. So, at least this was fun. God.


End file.
